


Dreams Before Memories

by the_only_iris



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, F/M, Just angst, Kurapika is just a sad boi who needs a hug, Reader dies in this one, Reader is also a member of the phantom troupe haha, Sassy Kurapika (Hunter X Hunter), this made me cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25001458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_only_iris/pseuds/the_only_iris
Summary: You were trying to run from a part of your past that you swore you could outlive.But, you managed to catch Kurapika's eye. And he had managed to catch yours.This wasn't going to end well, but perhaps, those eyes led the spiders to their death; and you were headed there too.[Kurapika x Phantom Troupe! Reader]
Relationships: Kurapika/Original Character(s), Kurapika/Reader
Comments: 19
Kudos: 170





	Dreams Before Memories

**Author's Note:**

> This is just sad, ya'll been warned

You had dreams before you had memories.

The words were somewhat clear in your head as you struggled to maintain consciousness. You gasped, breathing in air as desperately as you could, blood rushing to your head as you lay there on the ground, eyes shut tight, fists clenched by your side. Laying down in a field of daisies was certainly someone's fantasy, but here you were, regretting it, the smell of the flowers suffocating you.

Someone once told you that you had dreams before you had memories. You didn't know what those dreams were, but memories of a past life, or what felt like a past life, haunted you—strangled you as you slept, woke up, ate, blinked, breathed. These dreams were mere clouds of fantasy, floating casually somewhere above your life, secret turns that your life would take, hidden potential lodged in between your fingers as you grew up, visions of who you may become trapped in between your eyelashes, and glorious possibilities of what your life may become.

You didn't know where it all went wrong. You didn't know why your nen ability ended up being what it was, taking you to a place of no return. A life devoid of anything decent—decent meals, decent family, decent anything at all—left you aching for more. The greed was unusual, but it grew in you more than it did in others, a fact that you had noticed about yourself even as a child. 

You lay there in the field of daisies and tears leaked from the corner of your eyes as you called his last words to you.

_This is your death._

You reach for the sky. Quite obviously, you come away with nothing—there was no sudden answer, he did not suddenly return to forgive you and take you in his arms again, guilt had trapped you and had finally caught up to you; you clearly weren't as fast as you thought you were. You couldn't utter the words, he wouldn't let you. But, you had managed to sneak a peek into what had made him so beautiful; what had made him so deadly.

You could never tell why his eyes were a glowing red that day, but now you had your answer.

* * *

Kurapika wasn't often annoyed by strangers, but here was a loud man—intimidating the others to challenge him to a pathetic duel. The limitations of such a duel were staggering, one had to merely beat the man in an arm-wrestling match, and if they couldn't, then they had to owe him money. It was something that functioned with a simple mechanic, but if the large idiot was using his nen against helpless commoners, he was cheating, without a doubt.

It was during that incident did Kurapika meet you for the first time.

Little did he know, he was inching closer to his revenge as his eyes focused on your mesmerizing form. You grinned widely at the large idiot before approaching him, placing a calm hand on the person who was to be his new 'challenge'. The large idiot, as his name had been fixed in Kurapika's mind, cocked his eyebrow at you, but you did not budge.

"I'll fight you!" You said, still grinning.

Kurapika was floored. Of course, you were attractive, he wouldn't deny it. But, you were grinning and offering yourself to this person with such blatant confidence, the blond was starting to feel a bit shy. 

"Buzz off, little girl. This isn't for kids. I can crush you like a bug—"

"Hey," You pouted before tilting your head a bit, "I'll have you know I turn 15 this year. In just a few months too. Also," You licked your lips before cocking your own eyebrow, "Crush me like a bug, I dare you."

Letting out a chuckle, he felt the annoyance leave his body. Kurapika was entertained, without question, so he decided he'd stay back and watch how this plays out. He took a good long look at you now as you stood before the large idiot. Your hair was clasped behind your head, making sure it was away from your face in case you needed to fight. He could tell in one glance that you were indeed a fighter, a good one, if you were oozing confidence like that. Kurapika could tell the difference between baseless confidence and actual skill—and he saw that in you, with ease. You wore an outfit similar to a kunoichi's, but of course, you had tweaked it here and there, tattoos adorning your arms, and your weapons unconcealed.

"Don't say I didn't warn you, girl!"

You scoffed, and Kurapika could feel the crowd gather round now. He was sure not to approach you after this duel, but he knew you'd win. What annoyed him initially was how the man was cheating people into paying him money, but here you were, teaching him his place. 

The match was over in an instant; however, it was no extravagant victory. Kurapika's eyes widened when he noticed how normally you beat the man, you didn't break his arm, you didn't scream or shout, you merely pushed his hand aside, ensuring your own victory with ease, but made sure you didn't demean the man in front of you—despite how tempting that may have been. Popping your tongue out at the male, you reached forward to grab your share of the jenny you were promised in case you won, and without a second thought, you handed it to the kid who was behind you.

"Told ya I could win." You winked at the kid before walking away, amazing Kurapika yet again.

Smiling to himself, Kurapika shimmied away from the crowd before thinking of his own destination. He had nothing to do currently, a few days of rest before figuring out his next course of action. Just as he walked away from the crowd, his mind dulled—wondering if he'd ever see you again. Surely, it was more than just your beauty that made him think of you; perhaps, it was because you had appeared just as he got annoyed at something, and you had quelled that nuisance without him having to do it himself. A bane to what was bothering him—you dove in like an angel, dressed like a kunoichi. 

"I saw you starin' at me," Kurapika's eyes widened at the sudden voice behind him, "What's up?"

He turned to spot you a few feet away from him, his eyes still wide. He took a deep breath before wondering how on earth you managed to sneak up on him like that, and he wondered how he had not sensed you. He barely noticed you tilt your head at him, your grin widening.

"Relax, I'm not gonna rob you or anythin'," You had a country accent like Gon's, he noticed. "I just followed a cute guy who was lookin' at me. Is that so wrong?"

Kurapika felt his cheeks redden at your obvious flirting. Letting out a chuckle, he smiled at you before thinking of the right things to say.

"I believe you were aware of what that man was doing?"

"You mean usin' his nen for somethin' stupid? Yeah, I saw that. Didn't bother me as much as it bothered you, though. Could feel your bloodlust miles away."

Kurapika's gaze hardened, "I wasn't—"

"You'll be surprised at how even somethin' mild can be picked off here. I'm a hunter too, ya know?"

At this, he was shocked. Turning to you with more attention, he noticed how you were leaning against some of the boxes pushed to the wall. He was currently in a port town, by the docks. There were boxes lining the entire wooden dock, boxes meant to be shipped, boxes long forgotten, boxes with, who knows, treasure in them? And against one such box, you stood, grinning at him.

"I wasn't too angry at him. Or, I didn't mean to—"

"Didn't say it was a bad thing, he stole from kids. That's the worst."

He didn't know back then that you had done something worse. Still smiling, he opened his mouth to say something, but you twirled on your foot before approaching him.

"Wanna grab somethin' to eat? I'm famished, and it's clearly midday, you unless you've got an appetite of a squirrel's—"

"I was just going to suggest we speak elsewhere." Kurapika said, kindly.

Letting out a soft mewl, you walked beside the blond, someone you swore you had seen before; the resemblance to an unpleasant memory was so uncanny, but you did what your mind did best, you pushed away any thoughts or possibilities that he may be linked to your past. After all, you were looking ahead now. You had a whole life ahead of you, being a hunter and all that. There was nothing that could now bring you down. 

Sitting opposite Kurapika, as you had learned his name was, you resorted to shameless flirting again. You wanted to see what could break him, not sure why, but his calm exterior presented itself as a challenge. He was handsome, no doubt, but you wondered if just this was the reason you were interested in him. You swore you had seen him before, and you wondered if he had taken the hunter exam with you.

"When did you take your hunter exam?"

Kurapika blinked at your question, "This year, actually. Why?"

"Hmm," You leaned your chin against your palm, your hand resting on your elbow, "I feel like I've seen you before."

Kurapika rolled his eyes, "Please stop with the flirting—"

You laughed aloud, "This isn't flirtin'! Oh! You're not _that_ good-looking, sir!"

Kurapika laughed at this before noticing the food come in. It was when you started to eat did Kurapika notice how despite the kunoichi get-up, the right part of your shoulder was wrapped in bandages. It didn't look like you were wounded, but it felt as if you wanted to conceal something there. Shaking his head away, he turned to you again, wondering what he was doing right then. 

_Is this a date?_ He thought, feeling his cheeks warm. _I don't even know her_ , he scrunched his eyebrows. _I should be training, but what am I doing here? Why did I even agree to something like this?_

You could see him struggle with his thoughts internally, but you didn't speak up because this was unlike anything you'd do, too. You were not one to jump at someone and just have lunch with a stranger. Even if you believed you had seen this stranger before, you wouldn't have done what you had done, your actions shocked you. The fact that it didn't happen often caused a stir in you, but it wasn't unpleasant.

"I take it this isn't somethin' usual?" You say next, shocking him.

"Um, y-yeah. I didn't know what I was thinking," His eyes widened at his words, "Not like I regret this! I mean—"

"Kurapika-san," You offer him a sweet smile, "I'd never do somethin' like this even if someone was as cute as you."

Kurapika chuckled, "You're flirting again, (y/n)-san." 

"I really can't help it."

* * *

  
After grabbing lunch, you pulled this stranger along to a place you grew to love that was near the docks. You still didn't reach a point where you two were comfortable touching each other, so you dragged him along just by using your gaze, which he believed to be just as effective.

Kurapika believed there was no harm in humoring you for that day. He had to move on with his life, so he was certain that both of you were going to eventually part ways. But right then, you were at the dock he was in, and he was amazed at your abrupt and callous courage, and you were seemingly impressed with his looks, or so you say. He followed you as you hopped and skipped across boxes, leading him to the far edge of the docks; you turned and looked at him as he followed, just to make sure he was keeping up. Not that you worried he would be slow, you didn't want to lose him. A smile sat on your lips as you wondered why you were just going with it, feeling so light and anxiety-free, you were just carrying your movements in accordance with how you had always wanted to live. In the moment. Unafraid.

When you reached a lone corner of the port, Kurapika stood beside you on a large box and the two of you gazed at the sea before you. Sure, the sight was mesmerizing, but was this why you had dragged him this far away? Before he could say anything, however, you had single-handedly decided that the no-touching rule was to be broken.

You grasped his wrist before pointing to the sea below. Kurapika was stunned by the sudden contact, but followed after your pointer finger, before noticing the most beautiful sight he had seen in a long while. 

Dolphin calves, swarming around the area, jumping over the water, whistling away with the purest joy he had ever seen. Tears filled his eyes at the mere sight, before he turned to you, your eyes were focused on the sight as well.

"This is so—"

"You find something like this beautiful because you have a good heart," You said, still smiling at the dolphins, "And sadly, your heart's been broken."

Kurapika froze.

"What do you mean?"

You shrugged, "If the sight of dolphins can make you cry, Kurapika-san," You let out a breath, "I wonder... I wonder what pain you must have gone through for you to forget the beauty in ordinary things."

It was perhaps then did he realize that you were much more than someone fleeting. You were going to be an image that would inexplicably leap back into his mind from a distant past. Kurapika was struggling right then, to manage his current happiness. It was the moment he realized that he was happy—consciously trying to savor the feeling—which prompted his intellect to identify it, pick it apart and put it in context, where it slowly dissolved until it’s little more than an aftertaste.

He turned back to the sight before finding just as much beauty in it as he did before, but an awareness came with it. 

The awareness that you had still grasped on to his wrist, and he was doing nothing to pull away.

* * *

  
The next time he saw you, it was a few days after. Neither of you was in the port town, two of you had managed to move a bit further away, in search of absolutely nothing. Kurapika was aware of what he was after, for he knew his mind was deadset on one thing. However, he had no idea what you were doing. Why did you become a hunter? What pain had you seen?

Where had you learned to smile like that?

"Kurapika-san!" You looked happy to see him, as he was. 

He could feel his heart swell at the sight of you. Different clothes, more casual, airy. Your hair was a tad bit free as compared to before, but your smile was just the same. As if the secrets of the universe hung at the corner of your lips to a question only you knew the answer to. 

"(y/n)-san, it's good to see you again."

"You still look so handsome—"

"And the flirting, I missed that." Kurapika said, sarcastically.

You giggled before looking at the sky. Kurapika followed your gaze before wondering what was wrong.

"It's going to pour unbelievably. Almost a storm. Mind if we catch up inside somewhere?"

It would be the first time he would be indoors with you, but it wasn't with a stranger, and his heart was at ease. He recalled the dolphins from the last time, and a smile sat at the edge of his lips. You noticed the sudden change in his persona and you immediately felt insecure.

"You don't need to—"

"We can go to my room, if that doesn't bother you?"

Your eyes widened before you let out a chuckle, "I was scared that I might have said something inappropriate."

"When has that stopped you before?" Kurapika teased, causing your eyes to widen.

"Is this who you are, Kurapika-san? A secret tease?" 

Kurapika laughed, turning away from you, leading you toward his hotel room. The two of you moved at a steady pace, with neither one of you knowing how your lives were going to change at that point. 

"Someone once told me," You said as you reached his room, "That people have dreams before they have memories."

Kurapika nodded chuckling, "It was a rather famous thing that they'd say in my family."

"Oh? Really?"

He nodded, "The elders in our family said it. It was to signify that we all had things we wanted to accomplish, but our heads were in the clouds far too often for us to realize that somethings are just... there, up in the heavens."

"That's really deep, Kurapika-san."

"There was a word for it," He turned to meet your gaze, intensely, "Kudoclasm."

As if something were set alight in your heart, you almost stopped breathing. You were suddenly enveloped in a cold embrace, your eyes stuck to Kurapika's form. You were swallowed by a feeling—that no matter what you do, it is always somehow wrong—that any attempt to make your way comfortably through the world will only end up crossing some invisible taboo—as if there’s some obvious way forward that everybody else can see but you, each of them leaning back in their chair and calling out helpfully, _colder, colder, colder._

You finally knew why you felt like you had seen Kurapika before.

However, Kurapika didn't notice your moment of introspection. He continued to explain the deep word that his family had kept for themselves; perhaps, it was because he was reminded of it so fondly that he could find himself being able to share it with you, but he had no clue; he had no idea why you had heard it in the first place, why the words appeared so familiar to you.

"My elders used to say, that this feels like your life is flashing before your eyes, but it’s actually just the opposite. You’re thinking forward, to everything you still haven’t done, the places you had intended to visit, the life goals you’d eventually get around to, someday in the future."

The word was indeed beautiful, but you couldn't admire them. You were afraid; of the day those silver eyes would turn red.

He turned to you, a questioning look in his eyes. For a second, you wondered if he knew who you were; you wondered if he had seen the tattoo on your right shoulder, the one you had so carefully managed to cover with bandages.

"Are you alright?"

You didn't realize you had tears streaming down your face.

"Y-Yes," You were a good liar, but you were afraid for your life right then, "I'm fine."

"Was it too much?"

It was suffocating, "A little bit. I just jumped back to my past there."

"Uncomfortable past?"

"Oh, you have no idea."

What a lie. No one had a better idea than he did.

* * *

  
The next time Kurapika saw you was a month later. He wondered where you had gone, after having left so abruptly. Perhaps, the fleeting thoughts he had of you during your absence in that month away, had given you a small place in his heart. He enjoyed his time with you, however, that might have been, but he started to feel a tad bit of hesitance from your end right at that second when he spotted you and could swear you had seen him too.

 _Is she avoiding me?_ He thought, unsure of his own calculations; he was aware that he had other things to prioritize, more important things. After all, revenge was a slow-cooked dinner, it took a lot of patience and precision, a lot of studying and preparation in order to get where he needs to be. And where could you fit in all of this anyway? If you were ignoring him, then he had to respect your choices. After all, he couldn't afford to slack in any way. Especially when it came to matters of the heart.

However, you couldn't run from him.

You turned to spot him, his gaze away from yours. You knew who he was. You knew what you had been a part of a long time ago; the memories of which still haunt you till date. It wasn't as if you were directly involved, but you were proud of calling yourself a spider up until you had discovered what was really going on. If what you had heard from an old friend was true, then a raging blond male was after their lives. And if he knew your ties with them, he'd be after you too.

Yet, a part of you craved his attention. Looking at Kurapika smile at you, blush at your attempts at flirting with him, catch onto something so minute about you and comment on it, present a vulnerable side of himself to you when you had least expected it, all of these details made it harder for you to let go. Or it was because you were inherently a masochist, running after people who could kill you if they knew who you were, jostling with the likes of people you were meant to stay away from because the thrill of it sent shivers down your spine; the sort of excitement you had been craving for your entire life. One of the main reasons why you called yourself a spider so long ago was because of this hunger that lay within your loins, a hunger that had not died down despite once staring into the most beautiful eyes you had ever seen.

Your hands fell limp at your side as you walked over to Kurapika, embracing him from the back. You could feel him freeze at the sudden unexpected touch, especially when you two were in public. He turned to look at you, but you had buried your face into his back, thinking of the possible relative of his that you had watched being murdered a long time ago.

You had not taken a single Kurta life on the night of the massacre, yet your hands were just as bloody as any of the other spiders. You felt Kurapika soften and he rested his hand on yours, which were around his waist.

"Are you alright?"

He sounded concerned. You didn't deserve it. If he knew, he'd kill you. You had to tell him, and if you failed to tell him, you would be lying to him. You were one of those people who understood that a lie by omission is the worst sort of lie; a deliberate way of concealing something that could have otherwise helped in any sort of healthy progression. You let go of him but his hand was still holding yours, and the warmth that it gave you made you feel selfish.

You looked at him with tired eyes, eyes that were welled with tears; and all that Kurapika could do was smile, without a clue of what was behind your tears.

The two of you headed to his room in that town, where he spent hours researching articles from newspapers and on the internet—you assumed he was looking up any detail he might have missed about the spiders, and while this feared you, you had made sure to restrict any access that anyone could have over finding your association with them. You were never an official part of the Phantom Troupe, but you had tagged along for some of the missions. After your allotted time there, and a reluctant friendship with Nobunaga, who seemed like an elder brother to you, you accompanied them on the night of the Kurta massacre. Your heart screamed that this was wrong, but you had not budged. You watched them being butchered and had done nothing about it.

You left the Phantom Troupe behind; and you had hoped and prayed to every God out there never to remind you of that time.

Perhaps, Gods were never known to be kind.

You and Kurapika sat side by side on his bed, his thumb rubbing circles on the back of your palm. You looked at him before staring at his features, guilt eating your heart while you admired how beautiful he was. Kurapika looked at you, still smiling, and waited.

"No flirting today?"

You chuckled before tilting your head a bit, "Today I feel the worst I've felt in a long time."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

You shook your head, your grip on his hand tightened. You pulled a brave move and laid your head on his shoulder, shutting your eyes and expecting some sort of negative reaction. But Kurapika's soft hand guided itself to your cheek and he pressed softly, a chuckle exiting his lips.

"It's usually the other way around whenever I'm around," He let out, his voice a mere whisper, "I can't forget the pain sometimes."

 _The pain that I took part in giving you_ , your eyes were open now and a part of you begged your legs to run from there. 

"I wish I could take your pain away." You whispered, feeling nauseous at your words.

"You do," He admitted, shocking you to silence, "It's strange but I feel like I've known you for a long time."

You gulped before turning to look at him; Kurapika's gaze traveled to your lips before looking at your eyes. He leaned forward, and you didn't move, feeling a dread settle at the bottom of your stomach. Stop, you thought before your hand slowly raised to his cheek. Kurapika's own hands held your face, almost as if you were glass, and as your eyes closed and he leaned in, you felt tears sting the back of your eyelids.

_What the hell am I doing?_

When you allowed yourself to kiss Kurapika right then, you had committed another crime. 

But why did it feel so good? There was an unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat, whose tenuous muscular throbbing felt less like a metronome than a nervous ditty your heart is tapping to itself, the kind that people compulsively hum or sing while walking in complete darkness, as if to casually remind the outside world, _I’m here, I’m here, I’m here._

When Kurapika pulled away, his hand fell to the side of your neck and his other hand rubbed against your arm, pulling you closer, sending you his warmth, your hands knotted in his hair and while you knew in your mind that this was what would have happened the very first time you met him, you were not ready now; with the information you had, and the life you had lived, Kurapika's hands that were being so very affectionate should just go around your throat and kill you.

Perhaps that was why you cried as you pulled away, only to have the reason for your tears kiss those very tears away.

* * *

Apparently, there was a sighting of a spider in this town. 

He had let you know that night as you cuddled against his chest that the Phantom Troupe had killed his family, massacred his entire clan just for their eyes. While he told the story, you could see those ruby eyes glare at the ceiling, his grip slightly tightening their hold on you. Your hand trailed from his chest to his face and you stared at him in awe, at how beautiful this person was, of how his brokenness made him all the more pristine. 

"If you keep looking like that," You whispered, "I might fall in love with you."

"We're back with the flirting, are we?" Kurapika asked, chuckling, before kissing the back of your hand.

"Only you'd think this is flirtin'. I'm serious. And it terrifies me."

It did terrify you, but not for the reason Kurapika thought it did. He believed it terrified you how much you were honest right then, but the real reason was much, much darker. You felt a surge of energy pass through your skin upon catching a glance from him—a thrill that started in your stomach, arced up through your lungs and flashed into a spontaneous smile—which scrambled your ungrounded circuits and tempted you to chase that feeling with a kite and a key.

"Are you goin' to kill them?" You asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yes. Every single one of them will receive their death by my hands. My nen ability will make sure of that." 

When he kissed you on your forehead right after saying that, a part of you wondered if he knew you were one of them. Even if you weren't now, seeking forgiveness for passively participating in his clan's slaughter wouldn't earn you the right to call yourself his lover, for sure. But, the fall was done. You were infatuated with Kurapika, and even if that wasn't actual love, you had kissed him and his hands had roamed all over your body, while yours now thirsted after his mind. The damage had been done already.

The next morning, you awoke to Kurapika already reading something on the internet. When he spotted you waking up, he offered you a smile that twisted your stomach in uncomfortable ways; but you smiled back in return. You knew you had to leave before he realized that you were the spider in this town, but you couldn't leave. Your legs were glued to the bed, and your eyes were mesmerized with his.

"You surprisingly do snore."

"I do not!"

Kurapika laughed, "You most definitely do."

"You must've overheard someone else." You grumbled before heading over to the bathroom to brush your teeth.

On the way there, you spotted the screen that was open on Kurapika's computer. A newspaper article on the most recent thing that was stolen from the local museum. You didn't like stealing, but you often resorted to it as a cheap thrill—a thrill you knew you found in very few places. The thrill of wearing that very necklace around your neck right then and hiding it in plain sight from someone who'd kill you if he knew.

Your hand instinctively went around the necklace, wondering why you had to leave behind the trace of a spider. You wondered what good would come from leaving clues that linked your association with the spiders at all, but this was before you knew of Kurapika's heritage. This was before you had started to fall for the blond. This was before you were reminded of how big of a monster you were.

But, in the off-chance that he forgave you, in the off-chance that he offered to let this go because your hands were directly not bloody, you knew you would devote your life to him. You knew your heart well, you were not easily infatuated with people, and someone like Kurapika only came along once in a lifetime. It was Nobunaga before him, who proved to be the brother you never had, and here was Kurapika, who had filled every missing piece in your heart in a matter of three meetings.

Walking out, you put the necklace inside your pocket, knowing full well you were going to discard it later; but secretly wondered if it had already done the job. Kurapika held your hand and kissed the back of it before you leaned down and pressed your lips against his.

You didn't know what had gotten into you, you kissed him as hard as you could, tilting your head to get a better angle, opening and closing your mouth, sloppy trails around his jawline, while his hands pressed to the back of your neck, pulling you closer. You didn't know what this attraction was; was it because you knew you had done something terrible to him before? Was it guilt that was driving you to seek pleasure this way? Kurapika's hand reached the midsection of your waist and as he pressed, you let out a moan, allowing the blond to explore more regions of your mouth. He stood up now, pushing you to the bed, his hands at your side. You gasped when his mouth landed to the side of your neck, trailing kisses to your collarbone. 

"I love you."

Kurapika chuckled before pulling away, "That fast?" He noticed tears in your eyes and he paused, before wiping them away and carefully smiling back.

"I've fallen for you too, (y/n)."

 _I'm lying to you_ , you thought, tears leaking from the side of your face. You threw your hands around his neck and pressed yourself to him, before hugging him as tightly as you could. He lay there, comforting you, while in reality, you knew that this was just doom staring you in the eye.

* * *

Kurapika took a long breath before heading over to the museum to ask some of the locals about the spider. Members from the troupe weren't respected here, but the fear for them often prevented people from openly talking about them. However, Kurapika was lucky that he had run into the owner of the museum that morning. He seemed to have a particular dislike for the troupe members.

"It wasn't a troupe member that stole the necklace," He said, rubbing the back of his neck, "It was a ninja. She came in and took the necklace, leaving a card behind. I've heard of the troupe doing this, they hire other fighters to do some of their biddings. She's one of them, I'm sure."

_She?_

"Could you tell me if you remember how she looked like?"

"A spider on her right shoulder."

Some occasions, Kurapika's smarts never blinded him. He nodded before heading back to where he had been staying, where he knew you would be there, waiting for him. His face was impassive. He felt the desire to hold on to time as it passed, like trying to keep his grip on a rock in the middle of a river, feeling the weight of the current against his chest while his elders float on downstream, calling over the roar of the rapids, “Just let go—it’s okay—let go.”

He couldn't let go. Just as his eyes burned a callous red, Kurapika knew that he had been played. Just as soon as he reached the room, he spotted you—asleep on the bed where he left you, his softening at the sight. He wanted to smile at you; your soft snores filled the room with a trance-like comfort, the sort he had only dreamed of. He approached you, taking off his blue overcoat, and pressed a soft hand to your cheek, slightly stirring you but it wasn't enough to wake you. He watched you, and admired how beautiful you truly were, he took hold of your hands before kissing the back of them, afraid of the blood of his family in your palm.

"I could have loved you," He whispered as his eyes glowed a nasty red, "I really could have loved you."

You woke up and spotted Kurapika's red gaze burning down on you. Your heart fell. You knew he knew. You sat up before finding his hand reach toward your face, inching closer to you as he kissed you squarely on the lips. You were too terrified to move, but the softness from his actions wasn't missed. 

"You're so beautiful," He whispered against your lips, his hand reaching your cheek, pulling you against him, "I love how you feel against my skin."

"Kurapika—"

"Let me enjoy this."

You didn't know what this meant, but somehow, your heart yearned. Pulling away slightly, you pressed your forehead to his, before tears leaked down your cheeks. Kurapika watched you, surprised at what you were doing, surprised that you were not fighting back. You shook your head before looking at him straight in the eye.

"I _love_ you."

He gasped softly before feeling you kiss him again, and his heart ached. 

_Maybe_ , his eyes filled with tears, _We should think of memory as works of art._ He hugged you and kissed you back fervently, _A work of art is never finished. It is only forgotten._

Pulling away, he let out a guttural sob. He knew you were not lying. 

"Do you really love me?"

You chuckled before tilting his head, "Are ya gonna make me say it?"

He waited; his red-eyes were not wavering. "I love you, Kurapika."

You were not lying. _You were not lying_. He couldn't let this deter him, though. He noticed how you just sat there, waiting for him to finish killing you. How could he do it, though? How could he kill you knowing that he—

You put your hands around his before nodding once. 

Using his judgment chain, he whispered something in your ear. Your eyes widened at his words, knowing that his command was inevitably going to end your life. He begged internally for you to follow it, but you knew it wasn't possible.

_Run._

Instead, you threw your hands around him and held him tight, one last time.

"Why aren't you running?"

"I deserve this."

While the moral ambiguity can be questioned, he knew in his heart that you did deserve this. But, at what cost? Picking you up, he carried you over to the back of the town; a field of tulips. Placing you on the ground, he watched you. The judgment chain must have pierced your heart by now, you were going to die in a matter of seconds.

He wanted to be cruel to you. He wanted to send you off with a terrible image. Because that was what he knew you deserved.

Instead, his hand grazed the side of your face. He smiled, a single tear dropped from his burning red eye.

"This is your death," he whispered.

But, you swore you heard him say he loved you instead.

You had dreams before you had memories.

The words were somewhat clear in your head as you struggled to maintain consciousness. You gasped, breathing in air as desperately as you could, blood rushing to your head as you lay there on the ground, eyes shut tight, fists clenched by your side. Laying down in a field of daisies was certainly someone's fantasy, but here you were, regretting it, the smell of the flowers suffocating you.

And as Kurapika's form walked away from your dying body, he promised himself that feeling love would mean finding someone that could eventually erase your smile from his head. His hand felt limp at his side; his eyes were a scarlet red; his lips a thin, straight line. His heart, an empty vessel was aching to conduct his life's purpose of revenge.

Because ultimately, the spiders did end up killing all of the Kurta. 


End file.
